Le · Vent · Nous · Portera

we'll see about allll this business...

i want to do the right thing. i just need some clarity. but i feel positive and i know it's all going to turn out for the best.

i'm glad i don't have to make an immediate decision. i know i shouldn't just jump into one thing yet because it would end badly for anyone involved if i did that right now. but i'll know when something turns into the right thing, and there is plenty of time for that to happen. in fact, the time ahead seems as though it will make it easier to figure this all out. so i'm trying not to worry.

i'm going to pray about it, because i'm all confused, but i know God's got my back and he'll help me to figure shit out. and maybe even help me not to worry in the process.

okay i'm supposed to be working on my portfolio. i'm writing a piece for choir right now :] peace out.

i haven't posted anything in this little journal in such a long time! almost a year. i feel a lot older. and like my life is a little more interesting now? anyway, i'm going to skip the boring catch up shit.

last night we played what was probably the best, funnest show we've ever played. definitely my favourite one yet. it was at cousin larry's, which is a cool bar in danbury. we played first and our set felt really good. the other bands who were there (one was called settle and the other was called your best friend) were some of the nicest most fantastic human beings i've ever met. everything about them was just wonderful and we all bonded throughout the night and it was a great time. after our set they repeatedly told us they loved our stuff and gave us all sorts of really valuable compliments. we also had some really interesting conversations about music in general.

settle played second, and they were really sick. they had one of the best drummers i've ever seen. the music was just really good and fun. kind of a cool dance pop thing, similar to the killers. but your best friend blew my mind. they're from michigan and they aren't even signed but they're on their eleventh tour or some shit and their music is wicked good. they reminded us a lot of treos actually. they are wicked energetic on stage and each one of them is an amazing musician. anyway, i just wanted to try to express what a fantastic time it was and how friendly and awesome those bands were. i really recommend both of them.

on the topic of music, we (towering days) have been recording our first full length album this summer! today and yesterday as well we were in the studio from ten to six which was tiring but fun and productive. today we recorded ally and erika singing background vocals on two songs and it sounds beautiful. we also recorded this interlude with lots of distortion and feedback and bowed guitar and it sounds glorious. so now we have a couple female vocal parts to record and then we'll be done with recording and on to mixing the songs next time we go in. the whole experience has just been completely invaluable, and i think this album is going to be better than i can really give it credit for yet. also we have a wicked sweet engineer that we're really tight with. his name is paul macadlo, or p-trax, or professor trax. it's been a lot of fun so far and we're all really excited to finish the album and play more shows.

this new modest mouse ep, 'no one's first, and you're next', is absolutely amazing ahhhh. and i think that's all i have to say about music tonight haha.

i currently have very mixed feelings about the coming fall. i start my senior year in thirteen days :[ holy shit. i have no desire to go back to high school and i have a feeling this year is going to be really good in some ways, mostly unrelated to school, and really suck in others, mostly related to school. oh well. i do want to start school and get the year over with and do my best to enjoy it as i go through it of course. i can at least say that i'm excited for life outside of school this coming year, with the band and everything.

also amanda is going to college, which is going to take some getting used to. i'm feeling some apprehension about all that. it will work out though, especially once i can make the drive up to boston to visit her.

i guess a big part of it is that i feel like i'm going to be all over the place this year, with the band and school and ap english and visiting amanda when i can and keeping up with other friends and applying to collegeee. i'm slightly concerned. i just have to make sure i stay on top of everything.

and there's a few people i really miss talking to, so i need to fix that.

and basically i should go to the sleep lands now, because i have a busy day tomorrow and another show at night AT MOCHA IN NEWTOWN :]

i really don't want to do summer reading.

i think i'm going to try to go about this year the right way, because i'm not convinced that it has to be miserable, you know?

okay babes, stay pretty i'm out.

What I Feels:	tired but good
What I Listens On:	modest mouse - autumn beds

so it turns out that hasidic judaism really really interests me and i may end up incorperating some hasidic elements into how i practice my faith hoorah. the way they worship is just so so amazing and i love them. um i am getting really good at driving. aand my brother is playing a beautiful wonderful new song. i hate hate hate when he isn't here so i am not looking forward to when he moves back to providence blah blah. wow this new thing he wrote is beautiful and sad and ehhh. i am still excited for our band meeting tonight. i just realised that this entry is basically an excuse not to read gatsby. i have been feeling like making acoustic chill music for a while, so maybe the band can start incorperating some of that stuff. i don't want to be too electric. i bet no one reading this really cares. la la la. well i guess i am done here. i took a really long walk today and it was glorious outside. i wish to see my lovely girlfriend. that is all, peace and love.

laaaa okay this should be a short entry. i basically just wanted to say that i took a two-day trip with my family to cape cod, and it was wonderful and fun and just what i needed to get my mind re-aligned with reality and such things. i absolutely adore the ocean. like i think i may be getting obsessed with it. i just think it is the most beautiful part of our entire planet. it does something for me that i can't possibly explain. at all. i would live in the ocean if i could and if i wasn't scared of sharks and things. so yeah, the trip was good happy family times. last night i started writing song lyrics on my green bag which i've wanted to do for a long time and it looks better than i expected so far hooray. i really like being alive. i really love the beautiful people that i love. i really love modest mouse incredibly hugely massively much. they never ever ever fail in making me feel happy and understood and inspired and like i am part of the world. hm well i guess that is it. except no, i wanted to say that i feel pretty disappointed by some of my friends. i probably won't ever express it to you, because i can't, but i have quietly disliked some things about you so so so much. like the way you get close enough to boys to make them feel something and then decide to step out of their lives. i am pretty sure you have a phobia of attachment. i should be able to call you a friend, but i've only been an active close friend of yours for two periods of about three months each, in the two years we've been friends. i'm either really close to you or can't get through to you, and it's usually the latter. i really don't care about anything you did to me, cause fuck that it didn't matter much to me in the end, but you do this to every boy and they are all my best friends, so i'd like you to figure yourself out and get to a point where you can live up to all the pretty fucking words you tell us about friendship, so that you can be a good friend for more than a couple days, or else please kindly stay out of our lives. oh wow i've never written anything about that so i suppose that had to be vented about at some point haha. la la i don't really want to mention anyone else cause i just don't have enough energy to bother when most people are being dumb. but oh well. anyway, life is wonderful and i'm actually kind of excited for the school year (?) but i know i'll regret saying that after a week of it. lala it is food times now, and then i get to see amanda hoorah. um peace and love and flowers.

i wish i had a river so long...
i would teach my feet to fly.
oh, i wish i had a river i could skate away on.

i really need to watch good will hunting tonight but i still don't own it so i guess i can't.

i went walking to windermere earlier to be alone and just clear my head. it ended up being really peaceful.

i love bob dylan. and joni mitchell.

i don't know how to say thank you because i know you will always be there for me in my life, even if i lose everything, and that means more to me than i could ever express. but maybe just going to that seat and pouring something out is enough. i like to think that you help me reach Him.

i don't really feel like talking at all tonight.

i think i'll start reading my summer reading books. i don't really have anything better to occupy me.

if i'm not hearing what you're telling me, please just whisper a little louder, because it's getting hard to listen in this world. i truly trust you though. maybe i'm my own worst enemy sometimes, but maybe not. i really don't know, and i'm just trying to understand.

hello friends. it has been a while since i've used this little journal shenanigans, so i figured i would post a little something, seeing as this is the first free period of like thirty minutes in which i have actually felt inclined to write on here haha. i wonder how many people read this stuff anymore, because it seems like livejournal is becoming more abandoned as time goes on but oh wellll.

hm hm hm. i don't really like blahing about my life, but i suppose i have to. sooo la. overall, things are really great, and i am enjoying life as always. this summer is forcing me to grow up in some ways, but it has been a really wonderful one so far, and we still have a month of break, which is lovely. i have some truly wholesome, beautiful things in my life, as well as some tougher, more difficult ones. i have the band. i love coming together with them just to create something beautiful, and our music sets me free in a way that nothing else does. i have an incredible, loving family. we are growing together even as the times change, and i'm finding i cherish my time with them more and more as i get older. i have a beautiful girlfriend. i honestly love every moment we spend together and it's really impossible to explain how much i care about her or how happy she makes me. and God is working in my life every day and teaching me, and i am always working to strengthen and grow my relationship with Him. anyway, those are just the bigger things i guess. there is just so much beauty and goodness in my life, and i think it is so important for us to remember all those things and be truly grateful for them. it is very easy to take them for granted, but we can't let that happen, because they are what will get us through this life.

aside from all this, it appears i've reached a point in my life in which God is asking me to deal with some bigger things. for instance, my aunt got in a severe motorcycle accident and got very injured, and it has deeply affected her life. in many different areas, this has forced me to think a lot about my life, and i still don't have conclusions in a lot of ways. also, my step-brother bryan who has lived with me at my mom's since i can remember just left on a bus to live in d.c. i don't know, things like this have been coming up and i don't know what to do sometimes. is there anything i can do? is there something i'm supposed to do aside from just think about it? but i know that some good will come of all these things, and the hardships keep us all growing, so in that way they really are blessings. and i honestly feel like i have more to be thankful for than i can even explain, even things like these.

tonight, i had some much needed bonding time with my family at dinner and afterward, and everything was just close and joyful and together and strong, just as it should be. i love my family more than i can really say, and i guess i just really needed that tonight.

i'm coming to realise that there aren't many things in life that i love more than togetherness.

i think the flight of the conchords tv show is one of the funniest most amazing things my eyes have ever viewed.

um amanda and i have been reading the bible on the phone at night, and it is just so wonderful. oh and children's books too haha. the other night we sat in her basement and read each other the cutest little kid books and then watched pinocchio and it was just so lovely. la la i love that girl <3

ah apparently this is the part of summer where i miss all of my friends that i haven't seen in awhile =[ i miss like everybody. especially hillary and jason. and carissa and ian. and just everyone. i think i'm going to make some calls.

i cannot describe how amazing bob dylan is. i just love him. i was watching some recordings on youtube and he is just a beautiful beautiful person and his music and words make me so peaceful. also, i love iron and wine so much. i've been writing some songs lately that i really love hooray. i love neutral milk hotel so much too. this song is just beautiful and i can't describe it so i figured i would post the lyrics:

"daddy please, hear this song that i sing.
in your heart there's a spark that just screams,
for a lover to bring a child to your chest,
that could lay as you sleep and love all you have left,
like your boy used to be, long ago,
wrapped in sheets warm and wet.

blister please, with those wings in your spine.
love to be with a brother of mine.
how he'd love to find your tongue in his teeth,
in a struggle to find secret songs that you keep,
wrapped in boxes so tight, sounding only at night as you sleep.

and in my dreams you're alive and you're crying,
as your mouth moves in mine, soft and sweet.
rings of flowers round your eyes and i love you,
for the rest of your life (when you're ready).

brother see, we are one in the same.
and you left with your head filled with flames,
and you watched as your brains fell out through your teeth.
push the pieces in place.
make your smile sweet to see.
don't you take this away.
i'm still wanting my face on your cheek.

and when we break we'll wait for our miracle.
God is a place where some holy spectacle lies.
and when we break we'll wait for our miracle.
God is a place you will wait for the rest of your life.

two-headed boy, she is all you could need.
she will feed you tomatoes and radio wires,
and retire to sheets safe and clean,
but don't hate her when she gets up to leave."

goodnight and peace and love to you all.

so the week and a few days of summer that has thus far passed has been very wonderful and lots of funnn. and i have been able to relax too which is lovely.

ah so i should probably start with our show. it went really well, especially for a first show, and i was just so happy with the whole night. it felt really great to just play. i wanted to keep playing and never stop when we were done haha. it was a lovely time in general - the other bands were really great, and the space as a venue is so sweet and chill. it has the coolest atmosphere hooray. it's just a lovely place, and the guy specifically told us we can play there again whenever we want, so we are all really excited.

so i'm really looking forward to more amazing practices with the band and new music, which we have a lot of. and of course, we can't wait to keep playing shows. ah it's like an addiction i just want to play out now.

music in general is very exciting right now. within a week, i bought viva la vida by coldplay and the new album with the long title by sigur ros haha. both are seriously in my top five favourite albums i've ever heard. i love both bands so much. sigur ros is just my favourite always and forever, and coldplay is just behind them. I WANT TO MAKE MONUMENTAL ALBUMS LIKE THESE NOW.

i thought a bit about my time capsule for english since i missed the original end of school deadline, i think i am just going to hold off writing it or at least finishing the whole thing till the end of the summer. because i feel like this summer is going to be worthy of capturing.

i also thought a lot about my play. it just feels like the more i think about it and try to write it, the more i realise i don't feel it in my heart. i don't know if it is my story to write. at least not right now. i've been feeling more and more called back to my book, the series i've been working on since seventh grade. i have always felt that story so deeply and it's always evolving with me through the years and getting better as i grow older. i think i really want to put my writing efforts towards that this summer. and from here forward. also, that way it's less stressful; i really don't want stress. i need to focus on the band as far as artistic things go. anyway, maybe netta can still help me write and develop my book instead of the play lala.

i am in love with these lovely times. this weekend and the past week have been extremely fun. if you asked me i would probably tell you that summer should never end.

so you probably don't have to ask actually. in case you were thinking about it. because i just told you.

i love life.

hello you are the cutest most wonderful person and i honestly cannot think of a better way to spend my time than with you <3

sometimes i wonder if anyone can have a vision that is completely and fully clear and true. i wonder if there is any way to remember all the things you should before you lose them and they come back to surprise you. i wonder if it is possible to do what is right and take the time to cherish and love what you have and just not live this life blindly, at least just a little. and at this point, i'm not sure if it is possible. at least not in this world and this life.

on the slightly negative side, i've had some random awakenings in the past couple weeks that have forced me to realise how fucked up life and the world can be. and i don't know it scares me a bit i suppose. and i don't really know where i am in the midst of it all. that's what i want to say sometimes.. i just don't always know who i am in this world. and i wish more than anything that i knew that soundly.

but oh well is all you can say, right? in our lives, we can only try our very best in all the things that matter, and i think that makes all the difference in the world. and really, in the end it's all okay for me. because the things i need to sustain me will always be in my heart, where no one can remove them. to be honest, i think i really just need summer to come and renew everything. i have so many beautiful people in my life, and i am really incredibly blessed for that and for everything else - all my experiences and everything God has given me, good and bad. i suppose i just feel a little weak and confused and i need some kind of deeper understanding of myself or of life or something to come through for me. but maybe that will happen simply when i'm free of the soul-rapist that is school. which means friday so hooray.

overall, my life has been really lovely lately, and i think it's going to get even better. there are just some new things i am having to deal with now. but i know it's all important for me to grow; it's part of getting older. and i will find the answers, i do know that. but for know all i can do is thank God for the countless blessings that shine around me, thank my friends and loved ones for doing more than they know for me, and continue living this beautiful strange thing called life.

ah i suppose that is all i need to say for now. lalala i could use some clarity for my time capsule for english. i hope that comes tomorrow.

this entry helped me out. maybe i should use this thing more often. hm.

peace and love to everyone <3

P.S. IF YOU ARE PLANNING ON GOING TO MY BAND'S SHOW, i should have the tickets on friday, so bring money to me on friday if you want one. otherwise you can buy a ticket at the door. ten dollars a ticket. there will be more information on facebook soon too. thanks, loves.

thrice kicks so much ass.

so does this tea. yay.

so does my life, so fuck off.

i would like to make a nice lovely in depth entry soon but i fucking CANT till the weekend because of SCHOOL.

i have a lot of rage for school. it is such a fucked up institution. ever since my fucking daily reports of behaviour in kindergarten that made me want to throw up and my fucked up bitch first grade teacher throwing my jacket in my face, your education system has been a fucking joke that you should probably be ashamed of. okay i will elaborate on that later because i am tired and have SCHOOL tomorrow. oh oh what do you know. that sounds like fun. let me check my list of fucking best ways to waste my life OH FUCKING LOOK OH FUCKING LOOK SCHOOL IS NUMBER ONE HOLY WOW. LETS DO THAT PLEASE. KAY.

haha wow i should get some work done. ONE MORE THING MUST BE SAID HERE THOUGH. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY MOTHER FUCKERS THAT YOUR FUCKING SCHOOL SYSTEM HAS DONE SHIT FOR ME EDUCATIONALLY, AND I WILL JUST END UP EMPTYING MY HEAD OF ALL YOUR BULLSHIT IN YEARS TO COME. NOW OF COURSE I WOULDN'T HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS THAT I LOVE WITHOUT HAVING GONE TO SCHOOL AND ADMITTEDLY THERE HAVE BEEN SOME LOVELY TIMES AND EXPERIENCES I WILL NEVER FORGET. BUT THE TRUTH IS YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THAT AND YOU WOULD REALLY LIKE TO SEE ME BECOME A WELL-ADJUSTED FUNCTIONAL MEMBER OF YOUR IDEAL SOCIETY. WELL FUCK THAT PLEASE AND THANK YOU. I WILL DO MY OWN FUCKING THING THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND THANK YOU EVEN MORE YOU BITCH BAGS FOR GIVING ME A CHOICE AS TO WHETHER I WANT TO APPLY MY MIND TO YOUR BULLSHIT SUBJECTS. THANKS FOR ASKING ME IF I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT YOUR SHITTY ATTEMPT AT EDUCATING YOUNG MINDS. FUCK THAT. FUCK FUCK FUCK THAT UP THE ASS. IM STUCK IN THESE FUCKING UGLY SOUL-SUCKING CUBE SHAPED ROOMS ALL DAY LISTENING TO TEACHERS, ALMOST ALL OF WHOM DO NOT UNDERSTAND ME, RATTLE OF THEIR SHIT IN MONOTONE VOICES THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING INTERESTED IN. HOW THE LIVING FUCK IS THAT EDUCATION?? IN CASE YOU HOES DIDN'T REALISE, HUMAN BEINGS LEARN WHAT IS VALUABLE THROUGH THEIR EXPERIENCES. YET SOMEHOW SECLUDING OURSELVES FROM THE WORLD TO PRACTICE MATH PROBLEMS AND LEARN ABOUT GEORGE WASHINGTON WHO WAS PROBABLY A HUGE DICK HEAD IS APPARENTLY EDUCATION. FUCK THAT. THE END.

okay that was more than one thought.

lalala of to do some school work. i feel a bit better having gotten that out.

real entry coming soon.

peace and love.